Letting go is in the air. Trees are doing it. The seasons are doing it. Seems like we are in good company if we want to do it. I’ve been carrying something for a really, really long time, and this week, I made a decision that I am ready to let it go. This week, was the mother of all weeks, thanks to a Full Moon on 11/11 in Mercury Retrograde. Oh yeah. Good stuff. If you didn’t feel it, then I guarantee you just weren’t paying attention.
This was the kind of week that is like a naughty puppy, or child, the kind that will do just about anything, good or bad, to get your attention. It got mine, that’s for damn sure. I’ve been yo-yoing between waking up at 3 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep and going to sleep at 8 p.m. the next night to make up for it; but my desire to let go started on my only day off of the week and the first Saturday I’ve had off in recent memory that had drop-dead gorgeous weather. All my usual hiking partners were busy doing their own thing, so I grabbed my aging, but ever-willing pup, and we headed to the woods of Nederland and the Hessie Trailhead with the intention of hiking up to Jasper Lake off of Devil’s Thumb trail.
I packed my micro spikes, some borrowed snowshoes and plenty of layers in preparation for the deep snow that I knew would meet me at the top, and got to the trailhead by 6:45 a.m. along with a record minimum of only 5 other cars. I love getting up really early to hike, and not just because it usually means less people will be there. The light is so stunning as it rises over the horizon and touches the trees and mountains in front of it. There is nothing like it, and pictures just don’t do it justice.
It was cold, icy and perfectly quiet; my favorite hiking conditions. About two miles in, we made it to the trail that would take us to the elusive Jasper Lake. I say elusive because I had a hard time finding any sort of direct trail to it via my AllTrails app, so I used the Devil’s Thumb Pass to King Lake trail as a guide to show me the route that would take me to Jasper Lake without hiking the full 15 mile loop.
The trail became a single file, narrow path with at least a foot of snow on either side. I was feeling very much like I was in the Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Traveled since it was clear that the majority of humanity was taking the trail that leads to Lost Lake. We got to an open area with an amazing view and an Indian Peaks Wilderness sign that seems oddly out of place. The wind started howling as we hiked across the exposed landscape. The snow here had given way to the dried up grass beneath it, but this was misleading because just on the other side, the thick snow returned and I had to switch to my snowshoes.
Since I was attempting to record my route, I had downloaded the trail to my phone and was using it to pick my way through the now two feet of snow. Many wrong turns later, I finally found a single set of footprints that led the way into an area that had not seen any other humans since the most recent snow storm. It was eerily quiet and the silence and view invited contemplation.
We were about four miles in and still had two to go before we would hit the lake. My dog was so done. He had not been on such a long hike in over a year and even though he wasn’t overheating, he was definitely tired. One look at him using the snow as a pillow, and I knew we weren’t going to make it to the lake. We pulled over, found a few rocks near the edge of a cliff and sat down to enjoy the view with some cold pizza for me and apple slices for him.
I started thinking about my life and what I wanted for the rest of it. For close to 20 years, I have been on a crusade of defiance. That crusade began when the ink dried on my divorce papers and I decided that men were not to be trusted. I lost something very dear to me that day. I lost a piece of my heart, and I have wasted many years aiming blame and guilt at the person who took it from me. I stood up, and spoke out loud to the trees and mountains around me and set an intention that I was ready to let all of that pain go. I asked to be guided to release my anger and hurt and find a way to forgive him, and the Universe heard me.
As is oft the case, I promptly forgot the magnitude of my request, when first thing Monday morning, men from my recent past started popping up like forgotten popcorn kernels. These were men I had met since arriving in Colorado, not my former husband, but they gave me some much needed closure and tested my resolve for forgiveness. It was about this time that I realized it was 11/11 which in numerology is a power number sequence that is like a door opening in the fabric of consciousness that surrounds our forgotten awareness that we are creator gods.
“Angel Number 111 signifies that an energetic gateway has opened up for you, and this will rapidly manifest your thoughts into reality.” – Joanne Walmsley – Sacred Scribes
That evening, I found some instructions on how to use the power of the full moon and this numerological anomaly happening during Mercury Retrograde . I wanted to wait until 11:11 p.m. to give this little ceremony an extra added boost, but started early because I knew this was unlikely to happen. I made my list, burned it, and then wrote down the top three things that had stood out from it. I took this list, put it in an envelope and went to bed.
The following day I was invited to participate in a mini Tibetan bowl sound healing session with some graduating students at Atma Buti Sound Healing School. Sound is a powerful healer and one that I had not previously experienced in this way before. Surrounded by bowls as I lay facedown on a massage table, another bowl was placed on my lower back and as it was struck, I felt a shot of energy rise up my spine and out of the top of my head. That was the beginning of an even deeper shift that was soon to follow.
On Friday, I was gifted with a full body sound healing session from a very loving woman and healer I am lucky to call a friend and co-worker. When she asked if I’d like to set an intention for our session, I knew that my request from the Universe on Saturday had come full circle. I restated my desire to let go of the pain from my divorce and all the broken relationships that had followed.
During the session, I could feel this knot in my belly, right around the 3rd chakra/solar plexus area. I knew that is where I was holding all the pain, and I knew I was ready to release it. It is one thing to decide to let go and it is another thing to actually do it. Knowing how to do it does not come naturally for me or most people I know, but when we do it, we definitely know it. I pictured my former husband and I saw him as someone who came into my life to to be the “bad” one so that I could embrace radical forgiveness and know myself in a new way.
The tears poured out of me and I sobbed until I was empty. I cried for everything that I had lost and for the hope of something that I know I will find again. I visualized him surrounded in white light and I sent him a heart hug of forgiveness. I don’t know if he will feel it, and I don’t plan on telling him about it, but I feel it. I woke up this morning and as I look at my reflection, I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time. In the act of forgiveness, I have reclaimed a piece of myself that I lost when I embraced the hurt from my divorce and planted it in my center. My journey is far from over, but I think I am on the right path now, and I’m excited to see where it leads.