I recently quit the full time job that I worked so hard to get. I only made it six months before I cracked. Prior to that, I had my own consulting business on the side as well as two part-time jobs doing communications and a long history as an independent yoga instructor. I hadn’t realized how much freedom all of those little jobs gave me until all the freedom was sucked out of my life the moment I said yes to a 40+ commitment. I know it may sound like I am being dramatic, but for someone who is used to freedom, an 8 to 5 job suddenly felt like a death sentence.
Why do people work full-time anyway? I’ll tell you why I wanted it. One look at all of the benefits and it was love at first sight. Paid health insurance, an opportunity to contribute to a 401K, paid holidays and paid time off to use for vacation and sick leave. After 12 years as a yoga teacher and five more years working part-time in Colorado, the idea of being paid for a holiday was a pure novelty. Combine this with a guaranteed direct deposit every two weeks and I was like, “where do I sign”?! Had I known then just how much of myself I would have to give up in the process, I would have kept looking.
It all started when my future boss asked if I would consider a different position that was currently open instead of the one I truly wanted. That should have been the first red flag. When I was hired for a full-time position, and then wasn’t allowed to work full-time until I had been fully trained, that should have been the second red flag. However, just like in intimate relationships, it is easy to dismiss the things that are making us uncomfortable. I started to second guess myself. Was I being overly sensitive? Did that comment sound as callous as I thought or was I making something out of nothing?
The day of our third quarter team building event, we all dressed in something pink for a group outing to see the movie Barbie. My pink was my fuchsia pumps that had been forgotten in the back of the closet for a few years. They made me feel so confident, and everyone commented on how perfect they were. The atmosphere was filled with anticipation and excitement. I had no idea that I would be writing my letter of resignation that night.
As the day was coming to a close, I got a notice about an impromptu meeting that my boss added to my Outlook calendar. I tried to think back to anything that I had done or said that was inappropriate, incorrect or incomplete, but nothing came to mind. When I met my boss in the main office, she suggested that we go outside to talk. I felt my stomach clench.
During that meeting, like so many others in the previous six months, my boss brought up something from the week before and started to attack my problem-solving skills, and my ability to do things on my own. When I tried to defend myself, I sounded like I was making excuses and simply couldn’t believe how quickly that meeting took me from a level of high confidence and happiness to a groveling, crying mess.
As I sat there in tears being verbally chastised, I was instantly transported back seven years earlier to my last serious relationship. My boyfriend’s observations and criticisms were always so subtle and condescending that it took me years to realize how toxic it was to be with him. My boss’s habit of chipping away at my self-esteem felt exactly the same way. I realized that these type of character attacks from her always happened on days when I was feeling good about my progress and the work I was doing.
That evening, my memories of the past and my experience in the present collided and I was finally able to see the third red flag for what it truly was, mental and emotional abuse. If you are six months into a new job and can recall repeatedly being brought to tears for unfair criticisms and blatant manipulation, it is time for a change. As my tears dried and the ball of dread that was growing in my belly turned into anger and defiance, I sat at my computer, typed up my letter of resignation, and hit send. I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders in that moment. It felt exactly the same as when I told my boyfriend that it was time to go our separate ways. I realized that it was time for me to stop “Someday-ing” my life and start living it with intention.
As I sit here ruminating, I am surprisingly grateful. If my boss hadn’t been the way that she was, I might still be dreading every single Monday through Friday, but instead, I am starting to write and create again and I am giving my consulting business and my yoga teaching a new breath of life. The days fly by. Life has taken on a completely different vibe because I am finally ready to put myself out there in a new way. For so many years, I was afraid to dive in fully. Afraid I would not be able to juggle being a single mom and a full-time entrepreneur, afraid that I would fail before I even started, afraid that I would be overwhelmed and let someone down.
The thing that changed for me though was this realization that the world needs people to be the light that they have been dreaming of being. With all that is ugly in the world, we can only combat it by shifting our focus off of it. We have to focus on the light in order to help it shine. Doing work that suppresses my own inner light is 100% at odds with that understanding. When I hit send, I knew I was severing a pattern deep within me and also that I was taking a true leap of faith. I’ve learned that the way life feels is a true barometer of the way life is becoming. If it feels bad, then it is time to make a new choice. Right now, life feels pretty damn good.
This is me being me . . . 